you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
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