i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
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