I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Randomize
