if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
