$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
