What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
