Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
In either case, seeing now as it's basically two couples, unless we're planning to have a good old fashion orgy I think this isn't going to work out so well.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Randomize
