Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
