someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
