i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize