not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
