Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Randomize
