My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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