just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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