no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize
