Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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