I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
