So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Randomize
