Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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