all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
