Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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