I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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