I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Watching her eat just hurts me
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
