Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Randomize
