did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
