I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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