Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
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