I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
