I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
