I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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