Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
