My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Randomize
