the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
false alarm, still single
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
