All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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