i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Randomize
