she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
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