she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
there is another microwave in the elevator.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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