she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
