i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
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