She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
I met the friendliest cop last night
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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