I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
Randomize
