I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
