Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
