i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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