When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
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