my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Randomize