i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
