our cab driver is having phone sex.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
