i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize