I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
Randomize
