Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
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