if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
