you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
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