You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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