So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Randomize
