Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
is it wrong to smoke out middle schoolers?
yes...dear jesus what did you do?
bwahaha. ask your little brother in about 20 minutes. im dropping him off.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
