Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
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