everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
I'm sobbing to NWA
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
