cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
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