I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Randomize
