Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
