when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
