THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
