You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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